depth

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Numb. 

Pro-choice

I’m trying to gather my thoughts as best I can. I was doing fine until the morning I found out. The past three months have been a roller coaster of unwanted emotions that have brought my heart to the present place it is. I have this incredible ability to love and also to hate. Love usually wins me over. 

That morning I knew what I had to do, and three months later I did it. The choice was for me, for him, and for our existing off springs. I never felt so sure of a choice and so determined to make it happen. Money, emotions and time wasn’t going to stop me.  

Before I continue, I want the one person who stood by me like a man to know that I truly, genuinely, love you. You have shown me that you are strong, smart and most importantly how to love someone.  You have accomplished learning to love again, because this experience definitely expressed all the things I think love should be. And that doesn’t mean loving only me.

Three months ago I had nausea, dizzy spells, sleeping spells, sore breasts and a fetus inside me. I wasn’t myself. Knowing the future I have planned, that he has planned. I knew what I could handle and what I couldn’t handle. I see the potential he has and I know I have. Having our kids and raising them with equal love and attention, I couldn’t afford to neglect the current circumstance of being a young parent with all the pressure to grow up and nurture another human being. It was a completely selfish thought to bring another life into my world and only give mediocrity. Especially now that I am knowledgeable of what a parent should give and what a child deserves.

So I made the best decision for us all. That day 10/31 I went in with one motive, it was to save us. As I lifted my dress to determine if there really was a fetus inside, fear consumed my whole body. Trying to concentrate on my job for us all, I glanced at the monitor I saw the baby. At that moment it wasn’t “just a fetus” anymore. I saw my baby. And right after that moment an enormous amount of sadness overcame me. I moved to the next room, the last words I whispered before the doctor came in to sedate me was “ I’m sorry, If I have you…I won’t be good to you.” And that was the honest truth.

My whole perspective on “life” has changed since that day. And it is definitely bittersweet.  I don’t regret my decision, I am happy for us. Though my mother gene will never fade, it is inevitable to know I have one more baby. That’s the reality of it all. There are so many bad things in this world but this opportunity to have one more shot gives me hope to make it better, for myself, my daughter, for him, his daughter and the life that graced my womb. For the life that reminded me that it’s okay to be young, and want more. This motivates me to only love harder and fight harder to this complicated cycle called “Life”. 

sister. sister

thought you were my sister what’s the meaning of family?

oh wait i just dismissed her

got so much love for you

but you’ve just became someone i knew

beauty gone to complete waste

ugly is what we tatse

at a loss of words for your behavior smarter than that?

haha oh wait i didn’t figure

you see we lead two very different lives

talking and talking but seems you can’t survive

im a single momma with no baby daddy

but look whos keeping it steady

sister, life ain’t a movie

you roll like that, you will die with envy

so heres the difference between you and i

ill keep my mouth shut

because if they knew the truth bout you, you’d be fucked

you & i come from the same womb

but my friendship with you now rests in a tomb

root.

So I have this deep appreciation for change. I can’t express the emotions I feel when I think about it. Change can be bittersweet, it reveals itself.

There are a lot on things that occur in life that we can’t control, and it often brings an oblivious negative outlook on most things. Experiencing what I have within the couple past years are extremely mind boggling and sometimes my mind is stressed comprehending it.

Right now I am going through some changes, I am proud I have overcome the great obstacles I have encountered being who I am. It has molded me and crafted me into who I’m being shaped into and I am so excited.

I have been so occupied with the trials and tribulations of my circumstance that, often I have forgotten the whole purpose of succeeding, which is prevailing. My mind is hungry, it is so hungry when I want to research something I can’t stay focused on one thing, and then I get frustrated with myself because my mind is going 100 mph and I can’t contain the excitment of feeding my brain.

So I have decided to set some goals. And those goals will be achieved; they will be achieved for me.

I know right now the reality of it all is the season I am going through is hard. If only you could walk in my shoes for a moment and just feel, hear, touch, and taste what I do, you will understand. There are plenty of reasons to throw in the towel and be done with being genuine, patient and humble. But then I think, what a waste. What a waste of an intelligent heart that has potential of a genius. (smiling) Sure thing a genius. 

theory of love

..surrounded by a crowd, filled with doubt..

..tuning everything around me out..

..wondering whats really for me..

..wondering if love really sets us free..

..not knowing which way to go..

..pulling in all directions..

..leads me to a place i don’t know..

..lost like a child who’s lost her mother..

..knowing shes been alone, she slowly discovers..

..come beginning to end..

..knowing who you were all along..

..it will take some cure for my heart to mend..

..faking a smile day to day..

..hoping this cure will save me and take me far away..

..but slowly im fading..

..color and all..

..sometimes i wonder when its time for my great fall..

..everyday i wait patiently..

..but failed is on my test..

..i think i’ll put my theory of love..

 …down to rest…

-a p r y l-